Confessions of a Recovering Helper

By: Rachel Marinko

Every personality test has a version of the “Helper.” Words like generous, giving, kind, and self-sacrificing typically describe this personality type. They’re the shirt-off-their-back, extra mile type of people that everyone knows they can rely on for a quick “yes” whenever they need it. During high school and early college, I loved taking personality tests and seeing the Helper type pop up at the end. I certainly fit the description: a people-pleaser to the max, I found great satisfaction in being there for everyone, all the time. And that was the problem. As I leaned into the Helper persona, I started to go too far – it became my identity.

I know there are other Helpers out there that will resonate with my particular struggles, but this article is mostly about the dangers of building your identity around your own merits. Every personality type, every person, wants to be the hero in their own way, relying on their own strengths to gain the favor of the world. I think Helpers particularly struggle to realize or acknowledge when they are becoming the focus of their own lives. Because their actions are so others-focused, it can take some true heart-examining to realize that they aren’t quite as selfless as they appear. Everyone, though, should make a regular practice of self-examination to guard against the ways you are tempted to make an idol of yourself.

For me, it took some intentional training to point out that the persona I took so much pride in was not all such a good thing. If you ever want to observe the Helper personality closely, just attend female RA training. Because of the nature of the job, it attracts lots of girls who, obviously, love to help other people. As a sophomore RA in Olds, I came in with the classic Helper mentality, ready to sacrifice my sleep, my health, even my friendships and my grades to be there for my freshmen. Thankfully, the Deans know well the temptations of this personality type, and RA training focused on taking care of ourselves first before caring for our residents.

It seems silly to say, but it was a complete revelation to me that taking care of myself should come before making sacrifices for other people. I have some incredible examples of selfless helpers in my life, and it never occurred to me that there could be anything wrong with making as many sacrifices for others as possible. Yet during RA training, we were told again and again about the importance of making sure we were living healthy lives first before helping others so that we had the capacity to care for our residents. We were cautioned, too, against making our residents reliant on our help, thereby prolonging their problem. There were in fact a lot of situations, I realized, that helping looked a lot different than immediately trying to solve every problem for everyone at hand.

This started a lot of self-examination that led me to realize how self-focused my helping had become. I was finding my self-worth entirely in being the Helper, which started skewing my motivations for helping others. I was well-liked, had lots of friends, and was known for my kindness and generosity. I got lots of praise and thanks for my actions. Besides producing a lot of pride in myself, I also realized that there were other consequences to being so self-sacrificing. I was not developing my own interests and strengths. I did anything to avoid being a burden to people. I was helping other people to their detriment – they were relying on my help instead of learning to stand on their own feet. In short, I wasn’t truly helping myself or others. My self-worth became the motivation, instead of the interest of the people I was helping.

I’m not saying that anytime I helped someone it was ingenuine. I truly enjoyed helping people. I just needed a wake-up call and bit of redirection to return to a healthy form of helping others. One of the easiest things for me to grasp was taking care of myself so I had the energy and presence of mind to care for others, so I began by focusing on that. Building healthy habits like exercise into my schedule and setting boundaries around sleep helped me have better mental clarity, which had a lot of advantages when helping other people. Another thing I eventually realized was that when I took time to develop my own interests, hobbies, and strengths, I could relate more genuinely to other people and also help them find something they loved to do. These things might sound simple to some people, but they did not come naturally to me, so it was a good place for me to start.

One of the hardest things for a helper to come to terms with is that they might be hurting someone instead of helping them. This can happen in a number of different ways. Sometimes it might be as severe as becoming the sole person someone relies on for mental and emotional support. The more a helper supports this, the more the person depends on them until they can’t function by themselves. Or it could be subtler, such as a helper indulging a friend’s bad behavior so they don’t get in trouble – but the longer this goes on, the severer the consequences for the friend when they inevitably come. There are a lot of ways this can play out, but I ultimately realized that when I took the time to discern the true needs of the person I was helping, the way I helped them wasn’t always by being nice and doing what would make them happy. Truly helping others necessitated taking the focus off of me getting praise for how nice I was. Instead, it required asking what the person really needed and being prepared to carry that out, no matter how unpleasant it might be for me and for them.

The conclusion I reached after these realizations was that I needed to change my focus from myself to the true Helper. No amount of self-help books, goals, or resolutions would do the deep work needed to change my heart. All those things might be good and helpful, but only as a supplement to daily repentance

and acknowledgement of my dependence on Jesus’ grace and forgiveness. I made an idol out of my identity, which can only be solved by acknowledging my true identity as a child of God and striving to make that my focus. By the grace of God, I have seen growth in my helper tendencies, although I am far from perfect. I am at my best when I acknowledge my complete dependence on my Savior and focus on Him above myself. When I do that, I can more clearly see the needs of others and be a true helper to them. Sometimes that means saying no, setting boundaries, and telling people things they don’t want to hear. My helping these days looks a lot different than it did six years ago – I find a lot more satisfaction in helping people develop their own strengths so they don’t need my help at all. Instead of finding my identity in being a helper, I thank God for the gifts he has given me and pray that I would continue to find my true identity in being a child of the true Helper.