“I only slept for 3 hours last night!”
“I spent 14 hours working on this assignment.”
“I don’t have time to eat, I’m studying.”

How many times have you said something like this? Or, how many times have people around you said something like this?

Busy-bragging is ever-present on a campus like Hillsdale. Hillsdale cultivates a sense of excellence unmatched anywhere else; our students here at Hillsdale are unlike most college students and the level of impressive academic, personal, and professional conduct is something I have yet to observe on any other college campus. However, it’s this idea of perfection, this chase of excellence, that can be the usually-silent downfall of students across campus.

I won’t lie; I was a busy-bragger who chased perfection in every way. During my first two years at Hillsdale, I adopted a “fake it till you make it” ideality. Up the hill, I was always smiling and appeared to be happy. I busied myself with an overload of activities to keep an image of productivity so many on campus strive for. I stuck close to my friend group and appeared to have a zest for life that never faded. I loved to make people laugh and I would preach how I was unapologetically myself. However, that’s only what people saw on the outside. 

What I didn’t let anyone see were the deep insecurities plaguing me each and every day. I didn’t let people see the silent tears shed at night from the crushing anxiety screaming, “You are not enough.” I didn’t let people see the eating disorder I refused to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. I didn’t let people see the depressive thoughts swirling around my mind, often trying to convince me I didn’t belong at school, with my friends, or in this life at all. I didn’t let people see me exhausting myself and depleting every ounce of my self-worth by chasing an unattainable image of success, busyness, and perfection.

It wasn’t until I dragged myself over to the health center, honestly by the sheer will of God, and sat down on that couch across from Brock that I realized how not perfect everything was. It wasn’t until then that I allowed someone to actually see me, with all of my imperfections, insecurities, and anxieties. And it wasn’t until then that I realized that in the eyes of God, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, imperfections and all. In the eyes of those close to me, the imperfections didn’t matter. It wasn’t until then that I learned the people around me saw someone hurting and wanted to help, not judge. It wasn’t until then that I realized perfection doesn’t exist.

I won’t lie and say things automatically got better after just one counseling session. In fact, I sat in complete and utter silence on that couch for about six weeks in a row (…sorry, Brock) until I finally mustered up the courage to talk about my struggles. But I can honestly say, seeking counseling when I did changed my life. Instead of letting the thoughts of “not good enough” or “too stupid to be at this school” or “you have no place in this world” take over my daily internal dialogue, I learned to address the root causes of those thoughts, of those insecurities. I learned I am human (just like you) and being perfect is not the purpose I have in this world. I learned that relying on God is the only way to get through the curve balls life likes to throw our way and crying out to Him is not weak, but good. I learned I am not alone in my struggle with mental illness and that it’s okay, in fact, it’s admirable to ask for help. 

Mental health in general is something often overlooked on this campus and, quite frankly, in this world. But, having lived the realities of mental illness on our campus, I can say the struggle is more prevalent than you would think. The struggle of balancing your mental health, especially in a college environment, can be isolating. But it doesn’t have to be. The thing often forgotten when battling mental illness or dealing with your general mental health is that the struggle does not mean you’re broken or unworthy. Instead, it means you’re human. Instead, it means you need to lean on God that much more to help guide you through the tough times. Instead, it means you need to reach beyond yourself and utilize the loving, caring, supportive environment our campus has worked so hard to create.

If you find yourself struggling with your mental health, seek help. Talk to a friend, a professor, or walk over to the health center. No one likes to admit they’re struggling; I know I certainly didn’t. But I can honestly say admitting things were not “fine” and seeking help when I did changed my life for the better. Putting my mental health first helped me to see what’s really important and to cherish the messy, imperfect, yet still beautiful life I have.

Asking for help is scary. It’s overwhelming. But I promise it’s worth it.

I still vividly remember laying on the carpet, focusing on how the fibers felt against my cheek. I was concentrating on breathing --- in and out, in and out. I felt hot. Not cold. Why was I sweating? What was happening to me? My thoughts were racing, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I tried to take deep breaths as I dialed my friend.

“Hey, Banana! What’s up?” she said cheerfully.
“I think I’m having a panic attack.”
“Okay --- just start with taking some deep breaths.”

You see, I called her because I vaguely remembered her explaining how she experienced panic attacks the year prior when she had started grad school. I don’t remember our full conversation, but I know she made me feel better and helped me regain control over what my body was doing.
“Grad school isn’t easy, is it?” she said.
“No, it’s not.”

After our conversation ended, I felt more in control of myself again, but I was still shaken by the experience. The panic came out of nowhere (or so I thought) and it scared me immensely. I was already seeing one of the campus counselors as encouraged by my program, and it just so happened our weekly scheduled appointment was the next morning. I was a sobbing mess for most of that 45-minute session, as we talked through my worries and my fears. She taught me some grounding techniques so I would be prepared if a panic attack happened again. The techniques definitely helped; I had the same experience three more times over the semester, but I knew the signs, was able to react, and kept them from overwhelming me.

Now, to give you a more complete picture of my situation: In August of 2018, I started graduate school to become an Art Therapist. I was living all alone in a single bedroom apartment in a new state. My family lived 4 hours away; I didn’t know anyone in town or any of my classmates. I just started a new job as a graduate assistant that was mostly self-directed. I was still trying to find a church to attend. I was absolutely overwhelmed with change.

On top of the change, I was worried about my performance in grad school. My first panic attack was three weeks into school, on a Sunday evening. I had yet to get a grade in any of my classes, so I had no reference for how well I was doing. The next day, I was expected to counsel a student for the first time, and record myself, and then have the class watch it at a later date. I believe my panic attack was triggered by the anxiety I felt to perform on video and compounded with the amount of change I was going through. There was too much to process, and I didn’t have the tools to identify and process all I was adjusting to in life.

Our mental health can suffer when we are overwhelmed by change, trying to balance obligations, and want to meet expectations. Maybe you had a similar experience when you first came to Hillsdale. New professors. High expectations to perform academically. Taking on major roles in clubs and activities. Making friends. Being away from home for the first time. This year has the unique stress of dealing with ever changing regulations and guidelines in response to COVID-19.  All these stressors can compound themselves, and sometimes our body responds before the mind can comprehend what is happening.

Adjusting to major life stressors continues past finishing school. Think about the possibilities in your future: moving, getting a job, getting married, having a baby. Even adjusting to other, less positive changes: losing a job, losing a loved one, financial difficulties, medical issues.

So, what can you do to be prepared for life’s stressors? Here’s my advice to you:

1. Find a support system. This is one of the most important aspects to improving and stabilizing mental health. This could be friends, family, a mentor, a professor, and/or a church/religious group.

2. Find time for self-care. What do you do to help yourself recharge and refresh? Take a walk around the quad, read a book for fun, make some art, play a board game.

3. Create a routine for yourself, whether it’s daily, weekly, before you go to bed, etc. Consistency provides comfort and can give you a sense of control over your circumstances.

4. Talk about what you are struggling with and seek help when you need it. You don’t have to do everything on your own. The counselors at the health center can be a great resource for you to process your thoughts and emotions, as well as give you tools to handle your stress and anxiety.

5. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to adjust and understand your own responses. You’ll figure it out.