Great friends can be found in many different places, and great friendships can begin in a variety of ways. Sometimes you know from the start that you’ve found a kindred spirit, sometimes friends sneak up on you. Our friendship began because of our circumstances, but our shared sense of humor, similar ideas of important things, and love of travel has meant this friendship is particularly meaningful.

We became housemates in the summer of 2010 after not really knowing each other very well. We joined a third roommate in town. In that small living room the three of us had long conversations, solving the world’s problems and talking through our days. We hosted our first annual Christmas party (which is now a holiday tradition), we got up before dawn to watch the royal wedding, and somehow the chores were divided perfectly without discussion. After one year there, we moved to another, larger, house close to the college. We painted our dining room a cheerful coral pink and watched Smallville from beginning to end. Since those days, Jenny moved away, came back, and is now married. Though our friendship has not always looked the same since our years as housemates, it has continued to develop and deepen. We offer each other a place to process what is going on in our lives, we seek and give advice, and our next trip is always at the back of our minds.

After ten years of friendship (which we realized while writing this article), here are a few things we have learned:

Lesson Learned: Expectations are key.

Jenny: It has surprised me how similar all relationships are to each other. In other words, what I have learned in my friendship with Rebekah has carried over into other friendships, as well as my relationship with my husband. I had a friendship or two in college where I became too dependent on what those people thought of me. It is easy to gush in college, and I came to expect that (and give it) in a few circumstances. It was not healthy. Because Rebekah doesn’t gush, I don’t expect that from her. It has helped me not to approach relationships from a place of “neediness,” but instead to bring my best self to a friendship or other relationship. Not that you shouldn’t need support or advice, but you can’t depend on other people for affirmation or for your self-worth.

Rebekah: I think it can be very easy to go into friendship, and all relationships for that matter, looking to receive. Good friendships are a give and take. This looks different across different friendships. Jenny and I are similar in many ways, from our travel style to how we process the world around us. Our trust and knowledge of the other person developed over time and with shared experiences. The effort to observe and know the other person has paid off because we learned how to support each other in our friendship. I’ve learned to listen and give counsel when she needs it, and she has learned to do the same. Be patient and persistent in friendship. Seek ways to serve and be present. Invest in friendships where you see potential, and pay into them with your time and care. It’s likely you’ll reap the benefits and find yourself in a mutually sharpening and supportive friendship!

Lesson Learned: Your number of friends has nothing to do with the kind of friend you are.

Rebekah: Focus on quality, not quantity. Be wary of comparing yourself with others in this area. We’re all wired differently. For some us maintaining a few deep relationships fills our relational cup and for others there will be a strong desire to invest in a greater number of friendships. I was once told that a person can realistically only maintain two to four deep friendships at a time. The older I get, the more I believe this is true. Deep friendship takes time. You can (and many of you do) have a larger group of genuine friends, but those won’t all be deep, share everything, be vulnerable kinds of friendships.

Jenny: College is a beautiful time for friendships – you get to spend so much time together! Do you know how long it takes to get a comparable amount of time with new friends after you graduate? It can take months or years to get as much time as you get with your dorm-mates in college after just one semester. (Side note: be patient with new friendships after you graduate). Also, in college, keeping up with your friends is comparatively SO EASY. After college your friends have new jobs, maybe new marriages, new cities, new friendships to develop, etc. Some people are bad at communicating with friends who aren’t in front of them. Some people are bad at communicating in general, you just didn’t realize it because you saw them at breakfast every day. So there is a necessary change in friendships after you leave college. You can only keep up with so many people, and you can only keep up with the people who text or call you back. That’s okay.

Lesson learned: Quality friendships may not last forever. 

Jenny:  “Friend” is a very broad category in college. It is hard to differentiate between the seriousness of friendships or the potential longevity of them. If I didn’t see someone very often did it mean we weren’t great friends, or were we just busy doing different things? A handful of my classmates and I became great friends after graduation because of our situation – we stayed to work for the college, I crashed with them when my work brought me to their city, or we went on a backpacking trip together and realized how fun it was (so we went on more!). Sometimes friendships can be authentic in spite of or because of the situation you both share. Would Rebekah and I be friends if we hadn’t both stayed to work for Hillsdale? I really don’t think so. We had barely met in college. But that situational friendship has developed into an authentic one. And then some of the authentic relationships I had in college changed when the situation changed. Not that we stopped being friends or had some falling out, but our lives took us in different directions.

Rebekah: I love living in the midwest because of the seasons. The change from season to season is always a subtle reminder to me that we live our lives in seasons. Life ebbs and flows and so do our relationships. I’ve learned not to fear investing in friendships because I don’t know the outcome. Jenny just captured this beautifully. Every friendship has the potential to teach something about ourselves and the world. Proximity or the length of a friendship have nothing to do with the impact friends have on one another.

Lesson learned: In authentic friendships, you give the other person license to challenge you.

Rebekah: I’ve had two kinds of meaningful friendships in my life - with people very different and very similar than myself. Look for both for different reasons. Friendship with opposite personalities have challenged me in uncomfortable ways and given me a different perspective, which I’ve found to be incredibly valuable. As we’ve mentioned, the friendship Jenny and I share is one between two people who tend to think a little more alike, or at least have a similar mindset and wrestle with some of the same things. This has given us a unique ability to support each other. It’s nice to be understood! It is easier to share when you know the other person probably gets it and maybe you aren’t crazy for working through certain thoughts, perspectives, or feelings. Our shared understanding has given us a unique ability to support the other in friendship. Look for these two types of relationships in your life. Find people who think differently than you but still seek to build you up in everything good, and find the individuals that are a bit more like you in the way you think and view the world and figure out what that means for how you can invest in and support one another.

Jenny: There is great benefit to having friends who think differently than you. Some of my dearest friends have taught me that I don’t have a corner on the market for caring about my country or my neighbors or good ideas – even though we approach those things from opposite directions. But there is also value to having friends who have very similar ideas, ways of looking at the world, or standards of behavior. Rebekah and I have important things in common. And that means we can call each other out, encourage, and celebrate victories in ways we couldn’t otherwise.

Happy friendversary to us! We hope a few of your friendships bring as much joy to you as ours has brought to us!

Rebekah + Jenny