Building Resilience

An interview with mother daughter duo Stephanie and Brooklynn Gravel on developing an attitude of Resilience

My: Stephanie and Brooklynn Gravel

Resilience is the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. Developing resilience is not easy and sometimes can be an absolutely gut-wrenching process, but it can be learned through practice. It has to do with confidence, character, staying in control, and learning to cope. We should expect to be tested and it is through these challenges we are shaped and have the ability to grow stronger in our faith. There are four areas we navigate in life that I want to discuss consisting of emotional, physical, mental, and social resilience.

I thought it would be fun to write this article with my daughter and highlight the ways she learned to approach life with some grit.

My daughter, Brooklynn, is 23, a college graduate, and just about to finish up her Masters come May. I consider her to be tough, and one of the most positive people I know. She did not start that way. She was riddled with anxiety and let fear control her. Worried how others perceived her, she withdrew from many opportunities when young. Around the age of 12 she routinely practiced a grateful attitude and adjusted her mindset. She stumbled along the way, but her desire to move forward from adversity would enable her to get back on track.

S: Brooklynn, what emotional challenges did you face growing up that tested you and how did you learn to adjust and move forward?

B: I remember being plagued by fear in many situations that I look back on and would now call fun. Diagnosed at age 6, anxiety had a hold on me and was something I had to first understand and then learn to tackle, so I could enjoy more moments in life. Each obstacle I was encouraged to overcome helped me to grow as a person, taught me what grit is, and that anything worth achieving takes some.

S: What did you do to get past your anxiety attacks?

B: My anxiety would often make me feel physically sick in the morning. I had to learn to deal will the unknowns of the day and reframe my thoughts into opportunities: what do I get to do today? My mom took advantage of my love for horses and enrolled me in riding lessons. I was not aware at the time how this would build and develop my confidence in my day to day routine. Riding horses was an extracurricular activity that taught me many valuable lessons and helped me develop confidence. Getting back on the horse after falling off right away was one of my first battles with resilience. I was bucked off and my instructor, Marie Gibson, was able to encourage me to get right back on that horse. I was terrified but I did it. There is something about learning to ride and creating a bond with a thousand-pound animal that builds a person up. It was also a lesson in composure and re-enforced good breathing habits.

In public settings I sometimes I would go somewhere private and hype myself up (I spent some time in bathroom stalls giving myself pep-talks). I would motivate myself with small things to look forward to and give myself little wins along my day.

S: Do you have a story of how you dealt with mental resilience?

B:  Mentally, I learned to be flexible with my atmosphere and schedule. With two parents coaching, I stayed with babysitters, grandparents, friends, and other families many weekends during the season when I was young. At times, this was lonely, but I learned to reframe my negative thoughts and learned to enjoy the moment I was in. Although I am an only child, I learned rather quickly that I had 14-18 sisters. So many of the past volleyball players on my parent’s team invested quality time with me. The “team first” mentality was instilled from a young age. When I felt ignored or had to bend to my parents work schedule, I learned to zero in on others. Taking the focus off myself and finding ways to bring joy to others helped me cope in a positive way.

S: Do you have an example of how you worked through physical resilience?

B: I was born with some, let’s say unique, feet. With severely pronated arches and shortened Achilles tendons, the pain would go up to my knees and hips when I did not have the proper support or with too much activity. This caused me to struggle with a decent amount of pain, especially being as active as I was. I would find a solution, then outgrow that solution, and have to start over again. I had my gate and foot structure analyzed, all doctors leaving me with something along the lines of we’ve never seen this severe a case before, it would be best to limit activity to decrease pain. This was never an option in my head. Various tape designs, orthotics, therapy, and perseverance got me through and allowed me to go as far as becoming a college athlete. When I start to think “poor me” I reframe my mindset by thinking about all of the tough athletes, soldiers, and first responders that have done things much more painful and difficult than what I’m doing.

S: Can you share a story of how you learned social resilience?

B: Socially when growing up and struggling with drama or conflict in my friend groups, I remember having lots of little talks with my mom about how to be a good friend and if someone was not respectful of my friendship then be polite and move on. There is no need to burn bridges along the way. Some people are meant to be acquaintances and some friends for a certain period in time and others will be life-long friends that always have your back. This was an important lesson to learn early and it may have caused me to be selective in forging my friendships, but it’s important to surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed and will lift you up on good and bad days. I believe this is a lesson I clung to throughout my school days and through college. I have some wonderful friendships I cherish today.

S: Brooklynn, is there anything else you would like to share that can help others build more resilience in their life?

B: Each experience that I didn’t enjoy because I was worried or scared, I still lived through. I learned that you could make yourself happy or miserable and they both take the same amount of energy. It may seem difficult to switch your mindset at first, but it is worth it. Being willing to acknowledge negativity and then work to find a solution is critical in moving forward.

Redirecting my focus is what I use most when a situation calls for resilience. I focus on the atmosphere, focus on others, focus on the good. I do my best to be self-aware and stop myself when complaining and re-direct my thoughts to gratitude.

It is important to mentally train and rest prior to when resilience is needed. Creating an atmosphere for myself that draws out positivity and peace looks like taking time for prayer, journaling, or implementing small acts of self-care. It also means surrounding yourself with the right people. If everyone around you has a negative attitude it makes it difficult to have that positive outlook, especially if you are just getting started in a mindset shift. The wrong people can be exhausting and draining. If tired and drained, when an opportunity to practice resilience arises it can make it more difficult to express gratitude.

My mother gave me the tools to be resilient. She’s been a beaming example of strength, grace, and resilience. There are many times I thought about giving up and she gave me the courage to keep going, knowing that my best isn’t always going to be perfect and that’s okay. When she asked me to write this article with her I was excited for the opportunity to share my story. A big part of being resilient is being vulnerable and if sharing a little bit of my story can help anyone else move forward then that makes me happy.

A few sayings on resilience:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” – Andrea Dykstra